By Willard S. Squire
So here we are, looking back at another wildcard weekend. Excluding a quarter here or there (looking at you first three quarters of the Ravens and Chargers), it was a pretty great Wildcard Weekend. I feel like a lot of us had pretty high expectations for the weekend and overall most of those expectations were met.
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A few observations
-Philly at Chicago:
The double doink that was, and then wasn’t after an official review the next day. Saint Nick, who we’ll get to later, wasn’t great until he was. He started the game with two interceptions, tricking us into thinking the magic had finally run out (for like the fifth time). Then the second half starts and Foles leads the Eagles on a drive for a touchdown. And then another, this time with an amazing pass on first down to put the bird boys ahead. After a failed two point conversion, the Bears got the ball back with just under a minute left with a timeout and have great field position after a good kick return. They then performed the most wild fuck up of clock management I think I’ve seen all year. After a gorgeous pass from Trubisky that gets them into “field goal range,” the silence from the sideline spoke volumes. A whistle blows, timeout.
They call a fucking timeout with 35 seconds left on the clock. I’m no head coach, and hindsight is 20/bullshit, but if I’m Matt Nagy (and I’m not, I’m Will, you know this), I’m screaming at Trubisky to clock the damn ball and saving that timeout. He doesn’t. They then run a pass play that nets them 8 yards, then spike the ball, run another pass play that was fortunately incomplete. This sets up the field goal. Parkley lines up to win the game, whistles blow as the obvious icing comes from the Eagles sidelines, but Parkley still kicks the ball. It goes right through the uprights like it’s nothing, and I knew the game was over. You never want your kicker to make that nothing kick after the whistle is blown. They put everything into that one kick, and if they make it there, they’ve exerted everything they have into the void. I even said to my brother in law after I saw him make that kick “he’s going to miss it now.” And what did he do? He missed that kick so fucking bad that physics gave him the middle finger by hitting that ball on the crossbar, which is basically a 50/50 shot at that point, and sending that ball into the end zone, losing the Bears that game. Fuck.
The Bears should’ve won that game, but the power of Jesus Christ gave them a cup check and then laughed as they went to their knees.
-LA at Baltimore:
I have to admit that I watched this game with two hours of sleep, seven hours of manual labor, and a shot of tequila under my belt. So I don’t know exactly what the fuck happened in the greatest detail. I did learn a few key things about both teams: The Chargers D is pretty fucking good and Lamar Jackson needs to learn how to hold onto the ball. I’m not going to bash the guy, he’s a good reason why they were there in the postseason in the first place, and he made the game competitive towards the end. I hope he takes this assbeating by a talented defense as a positive lesson and takes charge as the new franchise guy in Baltimore for years to come. Fuck yeah.
As a side note, LA is wildly talented on both side of the ball, and should have the edge the rest of the way, but we’ll talk about that.
-Seattle at Dallas
Dak made some huge plays and Seattle never play called like they had Russell Wilson as their QB. That said, I won’t downplay how good the Cowboys D is, they played a fucking great game. Also, historically great backdoor cover by the hawk by going for two at the end, just bravo.
-Indy at Houston:
What the fuck did I say huh? I’ve never trusted that Houston defense, and I never will. I don’t give a shit if J.J. might be the greatest defensive player of all time. I can’t completely blame them though, they were going up against a ridiculous O-line who played even better than I thought they could. It’s mildly concerning that Indy put up zero points after the second quarter, but I can also see them going super conservative as a strategy. Why give KC anymore film on your offense when you know they need all the help they can get on that end.
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This week I’ll be ranking the games, in descending order, on how likely they’ll cause me to drink myself into a stupor (whether in celebration or misery).
4. The Cowboys at The Rams: Stone Cold Sober either way
The Rams went quickly from being exciting good, to boring good, and then to just being boring. This is a team that went berserk this offseason, gobbling up every household name available, young players in their (possible) prime like Brandin Cooks and Marcus Peters and Veteran players who can still give you elite snaps like Aqib Talib. They went all in on going all in. They put all of their chips in the center and then bet their house as well. And yet, here we are. I don’t trust this team. I should trust this team, but I don’t. Goff has been average to downright bad for a month, Gurley might be injured, and the offense desperately misses Cooper Kupp.
Defensively, this unit is basically Houston 2.0, save for an Aaron Donald J.J. Watt swap. They’re too talented and too well coached to be this suspect, but more often than not, opposing teams dropped some major points on them this season. We all remember the game that broke the NFL, where the Rams and the Chiefs combined for 105 points, but outside of that game, the Rams gave up 30 or more points six other times. Now that being said, they only lost two of those games, because their offense was a fucking buzzsaw before December, but that’s not the point. The point is they let their opponents (the good ones) hang around when they should be stomping their necks into the ground with a steel toed boot. This defense is going to need to step up if the Rams offense struggles in the way it did at times in December, coincidentally like it did against a top ten defense. Thankfully they’re not going against one of those this weekend. Oh they are? Fuck.
The Cowboys defense did everything right and then some against Seattle. The final score won’t show how in control of the game Dallas was on defense, but they set the tone right from the beginning. That front seven they have is easily one of the best in the league, and based on pure athleticism, they might have the best linebackers who aren’t pure pass rushers. Vander Esch and Smith are so fucking good that I’m actually really starting to like this Cowboys team.
Those two guys can make a difference in a game where one team secretly needs their MVP candidate running back to be a major factor in order for their offense to run. Guess what, Laden and Jaden and the rest of the Cowboys defense is fantastic at stopping the run. They were the fifth best run defense all year! Throw in DeMarcus Lawrence, who broke double digits in sacks, and you’ve got yourself a defense that can really throw a monkey wrench in everything the Rams love to do on offense. Oh dear god, I think I’m going to root for the Cowboys. I used to fucking hate the Cowboys!
My only concern is that I don’t know what I’m getting from them on offense. Am I getting good Dak or bad Dak? Is Amari Cooper going to show up? Who knows, but I’m starting to wonder if I even fucking care. Zeke could easily break off 100+ yards (this Rams team isn’t particularly great at stopping the run), Dak could make a few plays with his arm and his feet, giving them an early lead which they never give up because they’ve got a great defense backing them up. There’s also a good chance that the colosseum is packed with loud asshole Cowboys fans, making this pretty easy on this visiting team, and a bit unnerving for the home one.
Fuck it, I think the Cowboys win another close one in a low score game.
Eagles at Saints: a celebratory toast to Saint Nick, the Big Dicked if the Eagles win.
I’m not going to break anything down or try to use logic when discussing the Eagles. This is purely divine intervention and they should lose this game in spectacular fashion. They’re in New Orleans, in the dome, against the best team in the league, with Brees having the best year of his career, and Kamara who is the most elusive, hard to take down back ever, and Michael Thomas, who breaks more ankles then the absolute worst chiropractor in the world. Add in a top defense who has talent at every position, and there should be no way the Eagles have a chance to do anything but roll over and hope for mercy. But yet.
I can’t one hundred percent take the saints with any confidence. Sure you call that win in Chicago a fluke, but that’s exactly what everyone thought last year when they beat the Falcons. Then Nick Foles ascended to a higher plane and destroyed a really good Vikings defense that had the makings of being a team of destiny. You know who controls destiny? Jesus Christ and his agent of the lord Saint Nick the Big Dicked.
If the Eagles win this game, the existence of God is proven. If they don’t, well he just works in mysterious ways.
Colts at Chiefs: I have money on this game, so some drinks will be had
I think it’s possible because we haven’t seen Patrick Mahomes throw a 60 yard dart behind his back in a few weeks that we might be discounting this Chiefs team just a little bit. I just have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes to these all offense, no defense teams, even the great ones, nay especially the great ones, after the 2013 Broncos nearly killed Peyton Manning. It just takes one hiccup to cause everything to sputter to a halt, and suddenly you look at the scoreboard and you’re down three scores.
This team can put up thirty on anyone with ease, but they’re going to give up the same amount of points as they do it. This defense is bad against the pass, and it’s really bad against the run. The only thing it really does well is rush the passer, but they’re literally going up against the best offense line I’ve seen since Dallas’ a few years ago.
It’s absurd how good that Colt’s O-line is and how they absolutely pushed around Houston last week. Kansas City is nowhere near as good as Houston is on D and that’s fucking scary. This is why I don’t really care how good KC is on offense, I just don’t see them stopping the Colts from scoring. I can see the Colts stopping the Chiefs. Indy finished the year just outside of the top ten in total defense, whereas Kansas City finished 31st.
I can definitely see a scenario where Mahomes just does Mahomes things and wins KC this game, but if I had to bet (and I did) on a winner, I feel much more confident in taking Andrew Luck, with his amazing O-line and his surprisingly good defense over any team that Andy Reid coaches.
Chargers at Patriots: I’m going to get sloshed and cry
I fucking hate the Patriots. I fucking hate them with every fiber of my being. They are good, but they are good in the face of everything that makes sense in the grand scheme of football. They have no talent on this roster other than a 41 year old Brady and the sinister mind of Belichick. They’re slow as shit and old on both sides of the ball, if not totally washed. Half their players could get easily injured at any moment. Brady really hasn’t been great this year, almost really bad at certain points. He can't really throw the ball with any real zip on it anymore. Gronk is just dead.
You look across the field at the Chargers, who are loaded with talent on both sides of the ball, and are the best team in the Playoffs not named the Saints. But because God hates me and the Pats play in a division where the other three teams wouldn’t win a FCS playoff game, this game will be played in Foxborough. The Pats never lose in Foxborough, and even worse, some fluky shit will go in their favor just when they need it most and they’ll squeak out this game.
If I must be an optimist, The Chargers have some pretty big pieces that usually give the Pats fits. They have multiple options on offense with three good receivers (Allen, Williams, and Williams), and a good backfield if Melvin Gordon is healthy. They also have a multi-pronged passrush with Bosa and Ingram, who are holy fucking shit fast. I kept thinking Ingram was offsides against the Ravens, but no, he was just that fast on almost every snap. Brady has historically been at his worst in the postseason when going up good pass rushes that generate pressure without blitzing. This Chargers D does just that. Lastly, it seems like (knock on wood) the Chargers have fixed their kicking woes and they can’t beat New England if Badgley’s performance in Baltimore was a fluke.
Ultimately, I do have the Chargers winning this game, but a shadow of doubt is cast upon my soul. It’s shaped like the big dumb head of a football man and it smells like clam chowder. It whispers “Nobody believes in us” even though literally everyone believes in them. So I hope and I wish that my greatest foe will fall this weekend, but deep down…well I’ll have the liquor stocked up just in case.